What do you do when you get sent to the A&E and you get admitted at the age of 32? What do you do when the doctors tell you when your odds point to cancer? What do you do when you lookat yourself and think of the future? What do you do when all you do is think about the what could have happen?
I have just been confirmed by the doctor certified Chronic Myeloid Leukemia at the age of 32. Sad as it may seem I am at a loss for understading these conditions rights now. (Like winging it!) But i hav to face it soon ion 20 April 2016 which is just next week. With all that is going on now I am afriad of what can and might happen during the course of this effect. Losing my job for that matter. Losing the energy to serve and play drum for music ministry. Change of alot of lifestyle habits. Going into debt. Going on with no end. Losing the understanding of God’s love. Losing faith. Breaking bones. Easliy getting sick. Not being able to work for atleast 2 years or even two hours in a day. Not having enough money to support these treatments. I still have not read the side effectsof the meds I have to take. 1’s way cheap and the others are way too expensive. I am at a loss for words. Fatigue is like common feature now and I can’t concentrate as much. My mind is everywhere.Having a little bit more time to myself is also good but still don’t have any clue what to do as of now. Stuck in the middle. Feelings are up and down. Sleep is still a hard thing to do to slep on time and getting up on time. My mind is still racing. Which is weird. Even after being warded.
I do thank God for the nurses in my ward or being so understanding and also the counselors too. I was surrounded by sick old people. I was the only 32 year old there. I felt so weird at that moment. Singapore is really just to expensive. Medical bills are way to high or that matter too. Even doctors have to help with the gray lines and round abouts. I still than God for fmily and friends and colleugues too for all their prayers. My mind, heart and soul is still in shock rom what I am hearing and going to hear in the next few months. Haven’t sek he Lord proper.
Past few weeks had gone by at work without much hitches and sorts. With most time idling at work because of the long hours at work. I started to question God~ Does this company still need me even after the company shifts to a new place? (as the training academy is separated from the main office). It seems, on the day where I had to go back to do some staff at the main office which of course there was a back lot of paper shuffling to be done and at the same time having spent most time away from the main body of the company.
I was surprised that my immediate superior came to talk to me to see how were things going at the external training site. And yes, going through the process of answering his question came a very important TALK! Which of course I was scared….. He called me into the meeting room to tell me this.
Superior: I have been talking to the other management team members and they find that I was valued to the company.
(which after he asked)
Superior: What do you think of joining the team??? Permanently?
(I paused for like 3 to 4 second before answering)
Me: Well~ I definitely would like to join,(and i continued to say) But i need to adjust to company settings again which i hope is fast. (As i have been always working mostly alone at the training academy / centre and as an extension of the company).
At this point my mind had moved so much so that God actually had answered my question. And then again I went back to work wondering should I walk away from this job after I am done with this contract. (on basis of Little foot productions) Thinking about this project and thinking about the freedom that came with it. Like doing music again and side projects of designs and pre productions. Of course the struggle too being the boss.
Then another thought came in to my mind~ Will I be a white elephant in the company if the thing for support logistic and admin assistant is not needed? when the shift is done?
I came to only this conclusion. To support my side projects. I need capital. Which now i am short of. And maybe in time if God wills my life to do my own business then I will follow through. I pray that I really walk this straight and narrow. Thank God for the opportunities to open to which I need my proper stability finically and in mental too. I pray for the strength and guidance too. Spiritual clarity and pureness of heart in love in what ever i am called to do.
Right now still worried about what is about to happen!