What do you do when you get sent to the A&E and you get admitted at the age of 32? What do you do when the doctors tell you when your odds point to cancer? What do you do when you lookat yourself and think of the future? What do you do when all you do is think about the what could have happen?
I have just been confirmed by the doctor certified Chronic Myeloid Leukemia at the age of 32. Sad as it may seem I am at a loss for understading these conditions rights now. (Like winging it!) But i hav to face it soon ion 20 April 2016 which is just next week. With all that is going on now I am afriad of what can and might happen during the course of this effect. Losing my job for that matter. Losing the energy to serve and play drum for music ministry. Change of alot of lifestyle habits. Going into debt. Going on with no end. Losing the understanding of God’s love. Losing faith. Breaking bones. Easliy getting sick. Not being able to work for atleast 2 years or even two hours in a day. Not having enough money to support these treatments. I still have not read the side effectsof the meds I have to take. 1’s way cheap and the others are way too expensive. I am at a loss for words. Fatigue is like common feature now and I can’t concentrate as much. My mind is everywhere.Having a little bit more time to myself is also good but still don’t have any clue what to do as of now. Stuck in the middle. Feelings are up and down. Sleep is still a hard thing to do to slep on time and getting up on time. My mind is still racing. Which is weird. Even after being warded.
I do thank God for the nurses in my ward or being so understanding and also the counselors too. I was surrounded by sick old people. I was the only 32 year old there. I felt so weird at that moment. Singapore is really just to expensive. Medical bills are way to high or that matter too. Even doctors have to help with the gray lines and round abouts. I still than God for fmily and friends and colleugues too for all their prayers. My mind, heart and soul is still in shock rom what I am hearing and going to hear in the next few months. Haven’t sek he Lord proper.
My heart and mind is looking at the situation like woah. Past year through the strive of having better profit margins and crazy work where people almost had to scream at each other due to their selfishness or for whatever reason. We all as a company were trying to balance the bar between relationships in the office and with God. The best point even when the bosses are preaching the same nominal role of pushing us to respect our leaders. thinking that we don’t but actually we do. As all of us are trying hard just that we don’t have much time to talk. ( Its not I don’t respect you! I don’t respect the situation that we are in!) – Don’t hate the player but hate the game. in that metaphor – you can control situations and outcomes. I was still asking this question is anybody bigger than God? Bosses to leaders and small leadership roles. Demanding respect was something I only understood in and in due situations but having to give is another.
Things that God has revealed to me was alot of things that alot of humans that can cut pass face value and having full value for pure word promise to actions and understanding what God’s principles are for HIS people. Not for the human leadership. Yes! we have leaders to leaders and bosses to boss us around but nobody is bigger than God for sure. Try demanding respect from God when you still have sin n your life! I think we all know what this outcome is. Zapp!
I had had to give to one of my superiors who explained the situation as leaders not all leaders are perfect. Yes I understood that long way back. But still, transparency is needed in God’s house. Which I know that makes a family unit and bond so strong by the grace of God’s we all know where we stand as a company in a circular world and marketplace. Yes actions do count. But demanding respect nah. I stop action acting when I went to bible school with an understand the relationships are important more then the work and the expense of the people to energy usage. True action by heart is always by God not force but perfectly by God thats my belief. Of course also practicing giving.
I am caught in between having to stay or go. If and ever this situation comes. I am caught so bad due to a physical, mental and emotional burnout that I can’t seem to move as fast as I usually can. Even in the last few weeks. After a company so called retreat and management meeting. We all had face the 20% blessing and through this strive then I saw the love and grace of God. Which was so true, without pain we would never learn. not striving with our minds and heart and our own will. During the trip it had shown alot of changes after strife. God love just when wrapping around people like me and other who needed the rest which was kinda cool!
Alright i will have to stop here. If you do read this please do comment and give me some insight about what you think can be done in a christian culture in the market like the office culture and market. Tell me about what you think too I am open to option to understanding people too. Learning is something I never had.
Thanks for dropping by!
This would be one of the hardest to write or even type out due to our sinful nature. As humans we sometimes have only one perspective and which i Thank God for HIS wisdom and revelation revealed to men. As for this plot of text that I am getting ready to share will be hardest for me working in the christian culture. Sometimes sad,fake & happy.
Col 3:23 NKJV
And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not unto men.
When I entered this office it was all happy and cherry. Which I thought was really vague and fake. I learnt in Bible school that action counts alot to how we apply in proper action. Balancing the action and word to promises of God and working in faith and faithfully giving. In which turn from kindness being taken for granted. I really didn’t want to go back to that situation of fighting fire with fire and becoming that unforgiven person. But I had too. To show certain people in the office that not every was for them. It really yielded to my anger and my old self jadedness came back.
Worst of all you can see things happening in the office which I could not comprehend. Saying that your a christian and giving the other side of the butt. God which part of firmness do I apply. And meekness towards people older then me? Shit no! Unnecessary energy and time wasted in talking which means nothing! Help i am ready to quit and move without work and money in the pocket. Rather be poor and have a sound-mind and heart.
God what is going on?
This really got me thinking about how my mind map might look. Some people say that the mind is so complicated like that of many pipelines connected with out points of nerves that work the muscle to push and pull. And reacting to every emotion. Just thought how my mind would look on paper might be colourful, messy or dull. What would really happen if I really wrote what I was thinking and drawing everything to link and reason bubbles or box. Box for title and bubbles for reasons.
I really think blogging won’t be enough. Settling and unsettling point of the true me would have been a sort after effect of how can this be…..!? Is this me?! All the wonder for what God has given us as human beings. Comes to think of it. That paper would have to way bigger then the bill board. Like a mad science guy. Formulas and puzzules. Oh great I shall stop. Arriving to meet my old time friend for coffe and smokes. Holland village.
This is just a simple blog shop in the making. I have to many ideas to put down and to much to comprehend so feel free give ideas if needed or if you want to. I will try an update my blog site every once a month as i have a current job. Stating this is just a step to what I am going to do or even sell. My bio will be in by next month as i am busy with work so please bare with me as i take this journey. Some book reviews will also be in and notes about life my and other stuff to in this journey